Their hair may MOVE, but their faces sure don’t.

Got sucked into The Vortex this week.  I was in a weakened and vulnerable state, and that is when it is most likely to happen.  It has probably happened to you…if you are stuck at home sick, with a remote in your hand.

I don’t know what made me even turn it on, except as I’ve already stated, I was in a weakened state.  That is when one is most likely to resort to pleasure-seeking, or more accurately, avoidance behavior.  My husband would come home from WORK, and I would be slumped on the couch surrounded by little piles of used tissues, a glass of juice, some nasal spray, and a glazed look in my eyes.  He would take in the pathetic scene, watch for a few minutes, shake his head and leave the area.  Strong!  And unwilling to become another victim.  Beware the Beverly Hills Vortex!  Those REAL HOUSEWIVES!

It was awful.  I couldn’t turn it off.  I couldn’t take my eyes off them.  Sooooo much Botox!  Sooooo many fried blow-outs and tousled extensions.  Listen:  their hair moves, but their faces sure don’t.

Ugh.  I feel skeevy.  Like I’ve been hanging around with some rough trade.  This went on for pretty much the WHOLE WEEK.  Right through to the Season Finale!  Agony!

This is what I learned… those ladies have been through some HELL in 90210.  But their problems are entirely SELF-GENERATED, like, failed marriages, and financial snafus, and bad book deals.  They are survivors!

These are the women I spent my week with and became strangely obsessed with:

Lisa Vanderpump is clearly playing the VILLIAN in the piece, manipulative and COMPLETELY out for herself.  Her denial of reality is as shocking as it is convenient.  Her face is frozen.

Brandi Glanville is the VILLAGE IDIOT, inappropriate and always saying the wrong thing, then when she is “called out” getting flustered and telling everyone to F**K OFF!  And also to GO F**K THEMSELVES!

Kyle Richards is kinda the HERO figure, Paris Hilton’s Auntie is clearly the moral center of the show, believe it or not.  Pretty decent with a nice, hearty laugh.  But not when it comes to her sister…

Kim Richards, who is the DAMAGED one, like a smashed and smudged butterfly.  She clearly needs to get the hell out of there.  My prescription?  And I’ve given this some thought… she should move to Manhattan and go to MEETINGS, and ride the subway, and study like, guitar, and walk around a lot, and get GROUNDED.  It is her only hope!

Yolanda Foster is the ICE QUEEN, gorgeous and self-righteously superior.  Apparently she used to be a supermodel.  I wanted to scream at the TV “Do you think you’re better than them??”  Lecturing people about botox when you’ve got this weird forehead just doesn’t ring true.

Taylor Somebody is a HOT MESS, working on a nice alcohol problem.  Her Botox/Filler situation is dire!!

Camille Grammer seems NICE actually, she looks like she is thinking “How the HELL did I get involved with this??  Can I just sit here quietly, let my Botox settle, and not start a fight with anybody?”

And I don’t even want to talk about Adrienne.

When Andy Cohen, the executive producer and self-promoting mouthpiece of the Real Housewives franchise, was asked recently WHY he thought these women were willing to expose themselves in such a tacky way, he said “I have honestly not figured that out.”

I have.  Money, ego, celebrity culture, lack of vision, wondering how to pay for more Botox.  It is transparent and yucky, and I sure hope they don’t put THAT in the time capsule for future generations to be appalled by.

Oh and BTW, don’t miss the new Season Premiere Tuesday night @ 9pm.  On Bravo.

Aunt Dot

My great-Aunt Dot is legendary in my family.

Now, she has not jumped out of planes (that I know of), or hacked through the Amazon jungle (I don’t think so), or discovered the damn missing link.  Her contribution has been more subtle.
Now, let me explain about her: she is a cute, petite, 88-yr-old lady who lives in Atlanta.  She has never been married, and in fact, has lived in the same house in the Capital View neighborhood that her father (my great-grandfather) moved his family into in 1939.  The neighborhood has had its ups and downs.  At one point I think there was some funky stuff going on, and some folks enjoying some crack and the like, but Dot would NOT move. She waited it out, and sure enough, she was GENTRIFIED.

My Great Aunt Dot

My Great Aunt Dot

As a matter of fact, you can see her on the website for “The BeltLine”, a high-falutin’ urban park renewal project.

http://beltline.org/about/the-atlanta-beltline-project/neighborhoods/
Her stick-to-it-iveness is not why she is legendary, however. This is what she does:
On EVERY holiday, especially on every birthday, she sends a cute card with flowers or kittens or cherubs on it to EVERY family member and in it she encloses… $1. Now please understand, I have quite a large extended family now. She may have started with siblings and cousins, etc., but now…there are nieces, nephews, cousins, their spouses, their children, and at this point…their children’s children and children!  I mean, she is in for a lotta dough, not to mention cornering the market on Hallmark.

I took it for granted for a lot of my life, not GETTING it, ya know?  Not doing the math.  That is until my brother moved to Helsinki, Finland and then London, and he said she never missed a beat.  Happy Valentine’s Day, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday… it dawned on me “This is a full-time job.”  And always the dollar bill.  (Sometimes upgraded to $5 on a milestone occasion.  But, I can only speak for myself… )

Throughout life, some years, SOME birthdays…well…let’s just say “It ain’t always so yippy-skippy.”  But Dot’s card always arrives, and I know I will get the $1.  I am so old now that if I had saved and invested them, I might be a wealthy woman today.

Even though I am old, I recently got married for the first time, and when my husband’s birthday came around, this is what he got:

dot card

Welcome to the Family

Savannah Junior League Thrift Sale

Savannah rarely disappoints…what a unique place it is!

Wanted to check out the Savannah Junior League Thrift Sale at the Civic Center, but traffic was SNARLED as soon as I got off the bridge.  9AM on a Saturday.  WTF?  But then…I realized…a PARADE!  Yay!  Like for real…marching bands, majorettes, cheerleaders…even an extremely poised beauty queen.

Savannah Lions Cheerleaders

Savannah Lions Cheerleaders

beauty queen

Extremely Poised Beauty Queen

As for the Thrift Sale?  Initially I was disappointed, just garage sale junk.  And then…I saw them…Designer Wedding Gowns.  Prices SLASHED down to $50.

They looked so extravagant amongst the cracked pottery and used DVDs, but also kinda forlorn.  “Ah, time for an artsy picture” I thought.  The irony, the contrast, the brick wall against the white satin, and blahblahblah.

wedding gowns

$50 or Less!

And then……

this bride-to-be appeared…she looked so cute.

A soon-to-be Mrs.

A soon-to-be Mrs.

She really made my day.

The Trip to Italy

My husband surprises me with the movies that he enjoys.  Please realize that he has not seen ANYTHING.  (For example:  He just watched Road House on cable, and was transfixed.  I thought to myself “I know he lived in Hawaii for a long time, but did he spend the 80s and 90s in a frigging yurt?”)

Now we go see everything, and honestly he has the most discriminating, thoughtful, excellent taste in movies.  I am such a movie buff that it is ridiculous, so I take him to black & white indie films that would be a stretch for most people and he is delighted.  Just laughs, cries, and thoroughly enjoys himself.  Thank God!

My husband LOVED The Trip To Italy.

Granted it is a charming movie, with great scenery, and discussions of great food.  But the two stars verge on the annoying, and then…just when you wish you could reach up and SMACK them silly, they do a “bit” that makes you laugh right from your belly.  They have captured that elusive thing:  a long, close, complicated friendship.  And the delights and frustrations of traveling with someone.  It just feels frank and true and at times unedited…hence the occasionally annoying part.  Close friends are annoying at times!

All their little foibles and adventures, (and moral failings) on this trip become completely absorbing.  When the lights came up at the end, I realized I had been totally drawn in, and that I forgot I was in that stuffy little theater.  I felt like I had taken a trip to Italy.

the-trip-to-italy-poster-518x740[1]